Arrrr, me maties, yer captain thought she'd been missin' the most pirate-enabled holiday of the yeer, but me first mate was doin' some research with the magic talking boxes his pansy ass has been known to use and tells me it is in fact today.

Pirates be carin' nothing for the calendar, see? We go by the times of the moon and the sun and the shifting of the Gulf Stream.

Arrrrr!

As ye all know, the name of Cap'n Val Jailbait is feared up and down the eastern seaboard, no thanks to ye scurvy dogs and landlubbers, ye're all a pack of useless dogs I tell ye. But since ye're the best I was able to dig up, ye'll have to do. And you! Miss Molly Foc'sl, ye'd better be puttin' more elbow grease into that deck swabbin' or I'll keelhaul ye.

The first mate is still recovering from the floggin' I gave him last night, so he'll be unable to give his powerpoint presentation on the Annual Report of the State of the Ship. Let it be known, however, that there will be extra apples and oranges for the entire crew. The pox doctor tells me the oranges be good the scurvy, but I think he's full of whale apples on that account.

That's enough standin' around! I'm your cap'n and I'm here to give ye orders. Follow them or taste the sting of my whip! It's time to set sail for the Island of Scantily Clad Young Men and Women Wot Are Pining for a Firm Hand. Get back to work!

And Molly, when ye're done swabbin' the floors, come see me in me cabin. The first mate and I have a game of thematic scrabble that be needin' a third, arrrrr.